o, I just finished watching the MTV World Premiere of Britney Spears' new video “Me Against The Music” for her upcoming new album In The Zone (a title so bad that Britney must have come up with it herself). What do I think of it, and moreover, what do I think of Madonna dueting with Britney? I‘ve been a bigger fan of Madonna's work than Ms. Spears', but let’s face it: Madonna is getting old. And not surprisingly, the more she gyrates and runs around in the video's club-maze with the sweaty, physically-in-her-prime Britney, the infinitely older she looks. Now, I’m not a sexist here; I think Steven Tyler and Mick Jagger started looking like fools when they hit their late 40s as well. Does that mean I’m an age discriminator? Yes. People over 70 shouldn’t vote. People over 60 shouldn’t drive. People over 50 shouldn’t have children. And finally, people over 45 shouldn’t get their groove on. I cut some slack to the early 40s crowd, as I also did for Madonna just up to a year or so ago; in fact, I did more than cut her slack. I thought her best album was Music and her best tour was Drowned World; I also thought she was still a sexy bitch. Not as sexy, but still sexy. Crossing over to the late 40s, however, can be a cruel affair.

This year Madonna released her worst album, American Life, an album so bad, such an abysmal embarrassment, that I can’t bring myself to listen to her previous albums. I try listening to Music and Erotica and think: Do I really want to listen to an album by the same woman who made American Life? Cue me pulling out a Dusty Springfield album (fans of Will & Grace will appreciate the Madonna guest appearance joke). From releasing one of the shittiest albums ever recorded, to gutless backpedaling over her anti-Iraq War video, to her pathetic attempt at grabbing attention at last month’s MTV video awards… ah, at least she had a good run. Nonetheless, somebody needs to be handing the woman a fork -- and fast. On “Me Against The Music”, Madonna’s singing is as lackluster as it was throughout American Life: shrill and nasal, an older woman trying too hard to sound young and sexy. Her detached, ice-cold spoken word parts directed to Britney (by name, mind you) are even lamer than her Valley Mamma rap on the “American Life” single. And although she moves her body impressively in a few of the video’s scenes -- Madonna is by far a more natural dancer than the less-confident Britney -- the whole endeavor seems forced and tired.

Madonna's contributions distract from what could have been Britney’s best track to date. With a hard-house-by-way-of-Prince sound (does everyone rip off Prince these days?), it's definitely an ass-mover, with a jagged beat and throbbing bottom. And Britney’s singing blends well with it, sounding more mature and erotic than she did on her last “I’m Not A Little Girl Anymore” lead-off single, “I'm A Slave 4 U.” Funny, ever since her sophomore album, every time I’ve heard Britney give an interview (always an intellectually stimulating event), she states that this album shows her branching out, becoming more of a woman, et cetera. During the Making Of The Video for “Me Against The Music” she went through the similar spiel: this album has her tackling issues she wouldn’t have tackled on the last couple of albums. Like Britney ever has or ever will tackle a bona fide issue! This is the girl who recently said we should blindly follow our president and never dare criticize him. Hmmm. Madonna and Britney. Singing together; both servile to the Bush administration; both releasing albums that deal with so-called issues that aren't issues at all, but rather a bunch of vague pseudo-self empowering, transcendence-is-taking-control-and-“showing-your-soul”-type claptrap. I guess they really are rocking each other’s world. They even allude to their undeservingly notorious kiss in the new video; Madonna disappears right as Britney is about to lock lips with her during the video's climax. Whoa! What a showstopper! Coy flirtations with lesbianism! Aren’t they so naughty? Nope. Not in the least. Madonna was in the past, but those days are long over. Britney was only naughty when she was underage, and that didn’t last too long.

Yes, Britney is all grown up now -- and it’s not just a marketing ploy or a safe way of saying she’s sluttier looking than before. She’s in her twenties and there’s nothing illicit about middle age men rubbing one off to her anymore. Still, I feel she could have gone further in the new video: it’s sort of a regression on the sex kitten front. But on “Me Against The Music”, Britney sounds sexy against snappy music, and, being a bubblegum tart, that should be enough from her. Just shake that porn-star hair in your face, Britney, stick out that ass, and moan some gibberish; no one cares what you’re singing about (and with good reason: Britney doesn’t either). And next time, turn it up a notch; lose the clothes and do something crazy, like, I don’t know, have an interesting set design. I swear I've seen that club before. Not that Britney would ever take advice from a music review site; I mean, after all, she’s Britney Spears. But who is the real Britney Spears? I’m sure all will be revealed when In The Zone is released.