s well as being a town in Hawaii, a haiku is a concise and strictly structured Japanese form of poetry. Each haiku consists of three lines with a set number of syllables—the first line five, the second seven, and the third with five again. (Technically speaking a haiku is actually broken into morae rather than syllables—the two do not fully correspond in translation though, so for our purposes syllables will do nicely.) The brevity and form of a haiku makes it a powerful and simplistic writing tool, often very beautiful and touched with wisdom. We at Stylus love the haiku (if Southall was allowed, all his reviews would be written in haikai no renga) and because we love this magical, ancient and beauteous form so much, we have chosen to debase it by offering an alternative, rather contrived review of some of the records from this year that we’ve been inspired or disgusted by. Inspired or disgusted enough to write a tiny verse about, anyway.


Verses of Love
Grizzly Bear
Lord, let me make it
through this haiku without once
saying "masterful"
MOD

Scott Walker - The Drift
War. Pain. Torture. Noize.
Make it easy on yourself?
Not bloody likely.
PS

Asobi Seksu - Citrus
Lush orange music
Bright, delicious and diverse
Kilroy is jealous
PP

Pet Shop Boys - Fundamental
age changes nothing
our boys - still not a couple
still look good in white
MOD

Scritti Politti - White Bread, Black Beer
Ascetic as a
Monk, lovelorn like the Ferry.
Bryan, take notes quick.
AS

Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat
Are these country songs?
Aren't those things Republican?
Phew, she's from L.A.
TW

The Clipse - Hell Hath No Fury
White people love it
When black people brag about
Killing each other
BS

Guillemots - Through the Window Pane
Cooing romantics
Awesome twelve-minute closer
No compression, right?
TW

Lily Allen - Alright Still
Rock critics don't mind
When rappers call women bitch
But girls can't be mean.
JL

Hot Chip - The Warning
here we are, one year
later - slightly less goofy
no wiser, thank God
MOD

Bob Dylan - Modern Times
Ha ha, I'm still good
I like Alicia Keys now
Seriously: hot
TW

My My - Songs For the Gentle
this record : like oil,
it can loosen even the
tightest of drawers
MOD

Annuals - Be He Me
Have you seen these guys?
They're such a hippie jam band
It'll blow your mind
IC

J Dilla - The Shining
Tres underwhelming
What do you mean he's just died?
Album of the year.
DP


Verses of Hate
Morrissey - Ringleader of the Tormentors
So you're gay now aye?
Why won't the world listen? Well,
you've run out of tunes.
PS

The Kooks - Inside In / Inside Out
I know we’re good, but
Seriously, dear readers,
Those emails were fake.
NS

The Beatles - Love
Already own these?
We can gild a lily. You'll
pay for them again.
PS

The Hold Steady - Boys and Girls in America
Hey seriously
how many nude rock crit pics
do you really have?
CM

Sufjan Stevens - Avalanche
Dear Sufjan. There are
48 more states to go.
None called "Avalanche."
JB

Kasabian - Empire
Still shit at football
And shit again at cricket;
Good at fighting though.
NS

Joanna Newsom - Ys
Fay diddle wain, oh!
And the bear tum tiddle moon
Oh god please kill me
PP

Keane - Under The Iron Sea
Second album woes -
My drug hell for Moonface; still
Sound like Bread to me.
NS

Sunset Rubdown - Shut Up I Am Dreaming
One Wolf Parade disc
Was not enough for my hate
To truly blossom
MP

Razorlight - Razorlight
Even NME
Hates Johnny Ego now; sold
A million, how?!
NS


Verses of Indifference
Band of Horses - Everything All the Time
Our album was the
Best album this year until
February came
BS

Sonic Youth - Rather Ripped
So disappointing
Sonic Nurse kicked ass. Rather
Ripped not so much. Sigh.
TR

Ellen Allien & Apparat
Oh, this is techno?
I guess I will vote for it
Balanced lists look good
MP

Amy Diamond - Still Me Still Now
Teen-pop has undone
The hard work of several
Licensed therapists
MOD

Boris - Pink
Turn it up bitches
Just cause it's not pure metal
doesn't mean Stew's right
TR

Junior Boys - So This is Goodbye
some time has elapsed -
still pretty, still young, still sad,
now featuring tunes!
MOD

Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds
SexySexySex
SexSexLoveSexLikeMySex?
Not altogether
TW

The Pipettes
The correct term for
polka dot dresses like these
is "Indie botox."
DP

Take That - Beautiful World
Clandestine Solo
Resurrection for Gary;
Pensions for the rest.
NS

Beyonce - B-Day
My beau hawks Bud beer
And may have banged Rihanna
Do I call Jim Jones?
JL

The Fratellis - Costello Music
Belligerent lad
Rock reigns supreme - they’re Scottish =
Free indie cred pass.
NS

Liars - Drums Not Dead
I have unique thoughts
Here, let me yell some at you
The pain means it worked
MP

Paris Hilton - Paris
Anyone can play
Guitar, sang Thom. Not the same
With synthpop, Paris.
NS

Espers - Espers II
Celtic lore, you say?
I, too, enjoy smoking dope
Strum fierce that zither
MP

Oasis - Stop the Clocks
Christmas is coming,
Liam’s getting fat - time to
Revise history.
NS

Sparks - Hello Young Lovers
This song is so great!
It's still pretty good really
Is this the same song?
TW


Verses of Nonsense
Beirut - Gulag Orkestar
I AM JUST EIGHTEEN
MY HEART BURSTS WITH TRUE BEAUTY
TRUMPETS: THE ONLY CURE
MP

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam
No really, this is
really good. I'm serious
Where are you going?
JG

T.I. - King
What you know bout dat?
See, I know all about dat.
Surssly, the king back.
TR

Villalobos - Fizheuer Zieheuer
When my next album
comes out, it will be something
like thirteen days long.
MO

Young Jeezy - Thug Inspiration
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(hold for 17 syllables)
IC

MCR - Black Parade
If Jim Steinman had
Produced Superchunk we would
Have been more prepared
PS

Thom Yorke - The Eraser
You expected noise?
I gave you real songs, so here -
Bzzt, Frrrp, Thwuck, Thwuck, Brrrrrrt
JL

The Game - The Doctor's Advocate
What do we say to
A man that Mommy just met?
ARE YOU MY DADDY?!
BS

Lindstrom - It's A Feedelity Affair
In space, no one can
tell whether or not you've shaved
it's so nice, in space
MOD

Jordan & Peter Andre - A Whole New World
Quite simply stunning;
Such a voice, such a face, such
A trio of tits.
NS

With contributions from Dom Passantino, Peter Parrish, Barry Schwartz, Alfred Soto, Josh Love, Mike Powell, Nick Southall, Charles Merwin, Mallory O’Donnell, Theon Weber, Ian Cohen, Liz Colville, Tal Rosenberg, Jayson Greene, Jonathan Bradley, Paul Scott, Mike Orme. Collated by Nick Southall.