y expectations were confounded. My gentle spirit left in tatters, scattered across an unforgiving floor. Eventually though I just had to come to terms with it—there was no Soft Rock cover of the Neighbours theme tune to be found upon this circular data-prison. Life had to go on. But could it ever be the same?
Greetings, melodrama fans! As all self-respecting (oh ho) soap opera junkies know, Delta Goodrem is Nina Tucker; amazing vanishing girl of the aforementioned Neighbours. Who better then to review her record, than various other cast members whom I’ve managed to cunningly fabricate fictional comments for? That’s right. No-one.
(From this point onwards the review may appear somewhat confusing to those of you fortunate enough never to have been drugged and forced to watch this show. Therefore, here is a quick summary; Innocent Eyes is rather rubbish.)
Connor O'Neill on “Born to Try”: Top o’ the mornin’ to yah! I’m the loveable Irish rogue who could only be more stereotypical if I was givin’ out wishes and tryin’ to find me lucky charms. To be sure, to be sure. Right, enough of that bollocks. This is the track which Nina wrote to suggest she secretly fancied me, or something. It’s a bland piano number which exults the ethic of continually struggling on and on, even if you meet with little or no success. Yeah, cheers for that sentiment Nina. To be sure.
Sky Mangel on “Butterfly”: Hi there, I’m the personification of what the Neighbours writers consider to be “alternative”. In between having kerrrazy hair, getting accused of being a dope-fiend and sneering at anyone in a designer label, I probably like to listen to songs about animals. This is a bland piano number which compares a loved one to a butterfly. Bonza.
Harold Bishop on “This Is Not Me”: Since my rather unfortunate stroke, I’ve curiously abandoned being a kindly Good Samaritan type fellow and become a drunken, dirty old man. This is a bland piano number about identity confusion. Ahh.
Karl Kennedy on “Throw it Away”: I am the only doctor in Australia. You might think you see others lurking around the shadows of the hospital, but they’re not allowed to give any verbal consultations because we’d have to pay them extra. Plus it could seriously affect my disturbing medical monopoly. This is a bland guitar number about not knowing what love is. Just like I’m currently not sure if I love my wife, Susan. Ooh... decisions.
The Entire Neighbours Team on “Predictable”: Just like our storylines. And this album.
*Everyone falls into a coma for the next seven years.*