ommy what’s a Ludacris?” Beer in your cornflakes! Beer foo yung! A joint wrapped in toilet p…NO! NO! Stop! (cue tape rewinding) Do NOT use crapwrap. for joint-rolling. Do not use it for anything except harvesting dingleberries or mopping up ‘beef stew’ cuz if you shake’n’dance it’ll stain your pants! Toilet paper – you run out of that shit and shit’ll start running out of YOU, guaranteed! Especially if chicken and beer are a large part of your diet. Chicken not so much, it’s pretty low in fibre (it’s the breadcrumbs that cause the pile-ups). Beer in sufficient quantities however causes that ‘slamming a rusty dumpster lid’/’jammed-barrel custard gun’ action! Vary the C/B ratio and you can watch the colours change, along red>orange>yellow>green>black. Depending on (oral) fruit intake you might get the whole spectrum at once, although (anal) ‘fruiter’ intake might lead to new colour combinations altogether! No dancehall riddims here tho (no Intelligent Bollyclash or whatever it is rap records are supposed to be these days either, just bounces and ounces and hysterics!) so it doesn’t really get into that subject, strictly one-way rectal release, a joyous refutation of existentialism (“No exit?” “No, EXIT ONLY!”), and the “Blow it out your ass!” hook is actually a life-affirming mantra soon to be chanted by arm-locked throngs whenever mass action is needed, like for instance during “shit-in” protests against the indefensible practice of pay-toiletry. (Not to mention those worthless wage-slaves who stick ‘Out of Order’ signs on coffee-shop crappers whenever they can’t be arsed to find a fuckin’ mop. Those signs are the last things you want to see after two lattes, you know what those things can do, ask Madonna!) Back to the vexed question of what to roll joints in (another reason using bog roll’s a bad idea, here in the UK they cut the fuckin’ hash with LAXATIVE – I wish they’d go back to using heroin, has the opposite effect!) – pages ripped out of one of Bill O’Reilly’s books maybe? (Here’s a tip for Ludacris’ next album, Pepsi IS good for something – namely, enemas! Ever seen what it can do to a plugged bathtub drain?)